


Impossible

by foreverinprinxietyhell



Category: Phandom
Genre: Anti-Depressants, DanAndPhilGAMES, Depression, Hearing Voices, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Voices, Schizophrenia, Secret Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, The Impossible Quiz, anti-psychotic medication, breakfast date, comforting!Dan, emotional breakdowns, going to therapy, light bantering, mental evaluation, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-18 07:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11286303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverinprinxietyhell/pseuds/foreverinprinxietyhell





	Impossible

If wearing matching jackets wasn’t enough of an indicator that they were a couple, Dan didn’t know what would be. Even though he was tired of their legions of fans speculating they deserved to know the truth, but his other half was still hesitant about their long kept secret being revealed, “I swear if we have to do one more video for this game I’m going to jump out the window.” 

“Please don’t...” Phil mused with a soft whine in his tone, which only got reserved for moments when he did not feel like listening to the usual self-deprecating humor that came with their relationship. There was an unspoken issue distracting him as the camera kept getting knocked out of place atop the tripod nestled in its usual place on the office desk, yet it would have to remain that way until after the next installment of the Impossible Quiz was filmed. 

Continuing on as normal, Dan assumed his normal position perched a little too close to his long-time companion turned boyfriend in one of the office rolling chairs, offering a hand to squeeze when light tremor wracked his thin frame and giving a sigh of relief when it was taken without hesitation, “I won’t pressure you to tell me what’s wrong, but I am worried. Are we ready to begin?” 

“Yeah, let’s get this over with,” Phil managed after clearing his throat from wavering, which only concerned his partner more since he wasn’t one to easily hide his emotions even when the camera was rolling like it was now, 

“Hello Dan and Phil Games ‘Climaxes’! This is it, we’ve reached the end and we’re all in this together!”

“It better be, or I’m going to shove this freaking pen in my eye… I cannot do this quiz again.”

“Come on, Dan, it’s not that bad!”

“For now… Alright, fine, whatever.” he grumbled in annoyance before clicking start and tolerating the fart noise that came with it, zoning out as he began to answer the first round of questions with ease.

“You’re setting a world record.”

“For how quickly my time is getting wasted? I guess this is a personal best.” 

Silence followed for a while when his other half didn’t respond to his banter like usual, but he figured there would be a cheesy joke to go along with the programmed puns soon. When it took five minutes for Phil to comment on an answer that they got wrong consecutively, he began to panic internally as he clicked onward hoping that he was only jumping to conclusions as he was apt to do even in the best of situations, yet there was a small shred of doubt that caused him to freak out in the form of yelling at the camera when he got out of his chair.

“Excuse me? What is the opposite of small, happy, yellow sun? It’s big, grey, sad moon! What are you doing to me?! You just wasted ten minutes of my life!”

“What does this mean?”

“Every time! It takes ten minutes to get back,” Dan continued to rant even though his mouth was covered by a larger hand.

“Shh… The neighbors are going to file a noise complain, or worse, call the police.” 

“Can you just wheel that way a bit?” 

Phil glanced at his boyfriend dejectedly, but did not question that he needed space since he was beginning to break down from stress even though he wanted nothing more than to be close by and assure that everything would be alright. Separated by a short distance, he began to tear up when Dan announced that their viewers would see them in ten minutes, which prompted a pause in filming as soon as he noticed there was indeed something wrong.

“What’s the matter, my love?” 

“I-It’s nothing, Dan, I’m fine.” he tried to feign a smile, but it faltered as soon as he began to cry harder, falling into a firm shoulder while fingers gently combed through his raven coloured hair and a pair of lips brushed against his temple.

“Do we need to stop filming?”

“No, we’ve come too far to quit,” Phil reasoned when he got the courage to look up into pitying brown eyes, “Like you said, this is the last video whether we finish the series or eventually give up. We can’t just throw it away.” 

“Philly…”

“I insist. Let me go get a glass of water then I’ll be good to start recording again.” 

Sighing softly, Daniel could not deny his faithful companion’s request for a drink as he reluctantly let go from the embrace and watched the man disappear into the hallway. He passed the time by retrying the game on his own when the one hundredth question appeared on screen just as Phillip returned with a glass of water and a slight sniffle from his nostrils. With a single nod, he signaled that they could resume filming as he took a timid sip from his cup.

“Got to stay hydrated, Phil.” 

“I could say the same since you’ve been quite thirsty lately.” he quipped, blushing once he realized what had been implied by to return to his normal persona, Dan staring at him silently for a moment before watching the screen tempt them another time with the Epic Ten portion of the quiz. 

“How about I just skip them all?” Dan asked rhetorically before attempting the series of red dots that continued to get smaller with each correct sequence, cheering when he finally got it right then proceeding to go downhill from there as he freaked out once more, “Every time you have to do it again!”

“Then the victory will be even sweeter like a cake that you’ve been waiting for to come out of the oven.” 

“Now you’re just making me crave cake… Here we go again, I’m just going to fucking skip everything like you wouldn’t let me do earlier.” 

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“If you insist…” he sighed, proceeding to answer the first two right then skipping the next few when he lost lives until they arrived to the last question. A gleam of hope shimmered in Dan’s hazel eyes before it winked out of existence when the two lads realized that they needed all of the skips to finish the entire game. With a tight frown of disappointment, he abandoned the room and left his partner in the dark with the camera still running since he couldn’t muster enough energy to care at this point, “You fucking cunt giving me the idea to start using the skips in the first place! Fuck my life…”

“Dan, don’t turn off the lights! I need you!” Phil pleaded, his voice wavering for a fraction of a second, “Please come back to me, I can’t do this alone.”

“Are you fucking kidding?!“ Dan started to rant as he returned, flipping the lights back on as he got in front of the camera again, “They did that whole thing!”

“Dan, please calm down…”

“How many fucking times have I said ‘Can a match box? No, but a tin can.’?! Fucking meteors… Every episode where we were like ‘Skip, skip. Is it this?’ doesn’t matter!”

“Love….”

“I accept that it was funny, but that’s the most I’ve been fucked with in my entire life.” he sighed, ignoring that a pet name had just been used in favor of letting his inner rage out. 

“Come on, we need to finish this. Not just for the fans, but for your sanity as well because we both know this will drive you crazy until we succeed.” 

“This is why you’re the rational one in this relationship,” he relented, not caring to keep the hints subtle at this point since he was slowly dying on the inside, “If we reason out the questions on the end, we should be fine, right?”

“Of course, we can do this.” 

All was calm until the boys returned to the black screen that symbolized space, the cursor darting in between flashing flames, Phil watching the nervous progression from his partner with baited breath and small praises at every meteor that was dodged.

“Do not express yourself in any way right now, or I swear to God,” Daniel demanded as his forehead scrunched in concentration even as he proceeded to lose two lives in the same turn, shouting when he finally passed with one life left, “Thank fuck.” 

“Wait, green sticky balls? Our video was called that and it was about the prince who plays Katamari. Is that what it is?” 

Cautiously, the answer of ‘sticky balls’ was pressed. Startling them both when the ding that signaled a correct answer sounded off, the younger one elbowing his companion playfully, “Well remembered!”

“I was looking at the video today, so you’re welcome for the nostalgia trip we went through together.” 

“You know I’m scared to answer this next question, right?”

“It’ll be fine, I’m right here supporting you. We’ve got this in the bag, I can feel it!” 

“This is harder than Undertale Genocide, I swear I could do the Sans fight right now better than I can do this shit, I’m not even joking.”

“You’ve got it, muffin, everyone believes in you. See? You proved your theory with the banana question!”

“It doesn’t matter if I did because it didn’t give me enough time and I still lost! Fuck me!” 

Phil whimpered softly at hearing that proclamation and at the sudden pain of biting down onto his bottom lip to keep the sound from getting any louder in hopes that the fans would mistake it for something else if they even heard it at all. Reaching over, he placed a soothing hand against his boyfriend’s shoulder blade for a moment when it was shaken off, chuckling nervously as he promised not to touch him again for the remainder of the video when the threat of getting the channel deleted came up. 

“I want death. Nothing sounds sweeter right now, not even that cake we’re making if we ever get out of this nightmare.”

“We will, just keep clicking on the monkey.”

“I’m clicking, clicking the butt! Shit, motherfucker, don’t touch me!” Dan rambled out all at once, his forehead sweating a little as an extra spark of adrenaline kicked in as number 110 appeared before their eyes.

“Please tell me this is the end. We did it!”

“I’m not even happy…”

“Well, this just goes to show you that no matter how hard your obstacles are, keep clicking that banana and you can get to the end.” Phil summed up before he felt a heavy weight collapse into his arms, pulling the younger man closer into his chest as the embrace continued through to the ending of the video until it had to end in order for the camera to be turned off.

“I’m so sorry I insulted you during that whole ordeal, I couldn’t control my tongue… You know I love you, right?” 

“I love you too,” the older man stated in a sad voice, “It doesn’t matter though, I’ve already made up my mind.” 

“What is that supposed to mean? Are you breaking up with me?” 

“No, but I am leaving.”

“You aren’t making any sense,” Dan remarked, getting up to confront him head on when ice blue eyes froze him in place with no emotion behind them and then it finally clicked, “Please tell me that you aren’t thinking about what I think you are, anything but that.” 

“This is our last video together because I’m going to end my life in a few days. I’m going to make a final video on my main channel to say goodbye to the fans and that will be the end.” 

“I’m not going to stand by and let you do this, you son of a bitch... You can’t do this!”

“I’ve been planning this for a few months now, you just never noticed until now,” Phil mused as his face fell with a heavy frown, “I’m so tired of pretending that everything is peachy keen, but no matter what I do it doesn’t get better.”

“It will if we get you help,” Dan insisted, clasping both hands in his as hot tears burned at his eyelashes, “Please don’t go, I’m nothing without you, Philly.”

“I just want the pain to go away,” the older guy murmured sadly as his partner pulled him in close, letting his thin frame shake with sobs he had suppressed half way through the video, “Please make it go away…”

“Shh, I’m here and I won’t let anything happen to you. Not even by your own hands,” he soothed in a quieted voice before escorting him to the bedroom they now shared, helping him into a pair of pajama bottoms instead of keeping him in the usual tight jeans, “I’m going to get a few things. Can I leave you alone for fifteen minutes?”

Getting a silent nod in reply, Dan went into the kitchen to start gathering up any sharp object and prescribed medication that would pose a threat to his significant other, locking them in an empty drawer. Hiding the key in a safe spot, he decided to brew a pot of tea and heat up some fuzzy blankets for a few minutes in the dryer to help soothe the sensitive soul. He wanted Phil to feel loved in every way possible before interrogating on what had happened within the past two hours between the multiple takes of the final episode of their series. 

Once the buzzer on the dryer signaled the end of a load of laundry, Dan pulled out a small silver tray to carry the cup of chamomile tea along with a few chocolate biscuits before bringing the fleeces to his boyfriend who was busy staring off in a dull silence to notice the other’s presence at first. Trying not to let it worry him too badly, he busied with tucking Phil into the layers of blankets once he positioned the platter neatly onto the bedside table, pressing a peck into the middle of his forehead, sitting next to him with enough personal space.

“Love… Why do you want to end your life? 

“I’m afraid to tell you because if I say it aloud then it’ll make you want to leave.” Phil mused after he got the strength to prop against the pile of pillows as he took a sip of tea and nibbled on one of the shortbread cookies. 

“Phillip Michael Lester,” he started off slowly as the older boy involuntarily flinched, “You should know by now that I’m here to stay. Whatever is wrong, we’ll battle it together.” 

“I don’t even know if our love is real, or if I’m just imagining it.” 

“How do you mean?”

“I always knew I was… Different. But I never told anyone since I thought I’d be sent away,” Phil mused, voice breaking even after clearing his throat, “I’ve been doing research recently and I think I have schizophrenia.”

Taken aback by the sudden confession, Dan desperately tried to come up with the right words, yet he decided to remain quiet for a long moment as his fingers laced with the other’s unoccupied hand and squeezed it gently, “That doesn’t make me think of you any differently. Whatever diagnosis you get if you decide to see a professional, you’re still the man whom I fancy more than anyone else.” 

“You aren’t afraid of me being mentally unstable?” 

“You’re asking that to the guy who has to be comforted during his existential crises.” 

“Fair enough,” Phil smiled weakly, offering him a bit of the biscuit he was working on for the last few minutes, “Will you help me look for a psychiatrist? I have been looking, but there are some things that are holding me back from making an appointment.” 

“Is it your fear of confronting this disease? You have to face your fears at some point, hon.” 

“That’s not the only reason,” the older man sighed as he chewed as his swollen lip to steady his emotional state from getting any more erratic than it already was, “There are voices that won’t disappear, which is why if I thought killing myself would solve the problem.” 

“It won’t. They would win, the world would lose out on a bright ray of sunshine, and I would lose the love of my life. You’ve got to fight to win, Philly.” 

“I’ll give it a try…”

“That’s my boy,” Dan praised, sighing sleepily as the two held onto each other, pressing the other’s cheek against his chest, “How about we call it a day? I know it’s earlier than we’re used to, but we’ve had quite an eventful one.” 

“What about uploading the video?” 

“That can wait, you can’t.”   
   
Hours later, a sudden panic filled Phil when he awoke alone in bed to the point of hyperventilating and overthinking; his thoughts were out of control as he jumped to the worst conclusions that involved being left behind, which made him start to believe the disembodied voices that whispered _“We told you so.”_ about how no matter the strength of their love that it would not last. Eyes squeezed shut and both palms enclosed around his temples, he accidentally shrugged away an arm from around his bent neck when he peeked through his fingers and melted into an embarrassed mess.

“Dan…”

“I’ve got you, it’s alright,” the younger boy reassured as he watched helplessly, “I left a note, did you not read it?” 

“A note?” 

Nodding, he handed the crumpled piece of paper over to the intended reader and watched as a loose tear fell onto the written message, bright blue eyes losing their luster once they stared into his own, “I thought you left me after what happened yesterday… I was convinced you lied about being here for me.”

“You’re not wrong, I did leave you, but to get breakfast for us. See?” Daniel asked, placing a white box between them before opening it to reveal an assortment of cake donuts, the freshly sweet scent wafting around seemingly distracting both from the problem at hand, “Figured you could use something sweet to wake up to.” 

“You really are the best boyfriend.” 

“I try.”

Picking up a light brown pastry and savoring the flavor of maple was enough to calm an overwrought mind while slow kisses were placed along his jaw when it wasn’t busy chewing. Such small acts of affection usually brightened his day, but no matter how hard he tried to push away repetitive thoughts they kept coming back with a vengeance, “It’s getting worse.”

“Well, I was waiting until after we ate to tell you, but I found a clinic in town. We can look into it if you’d like.” 

“I guess so, I just want to get better.” 

“This is the first step towards that goal, so I think it’d be in your best interest. It’s not up to me, but I just want what’s best for you.”

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without you, Danny… I have so much doubt about going through with getting a therapist, but those are easy to forget whenever you’re here.”

“I’m happy to help.” he stated around a lemon flavored donut stuffed into his mouth, which made Phil have a fit of uncontrollable giggling when his lower lip was covered in custard filling before it was kissed away.

“The voices are disappointed that I haven’t harmed myself.” 

“Well, they better get used to it. As long as I’m around you won’t be of any danger to yourself.”

A soft smile flashed across the older one’s face before a high pitched yelp escaped from his lips as his forehead crumpled into a mass of wrinkles. Moving in swiftly, his boyfriend came to the rescue and smooched it smooth as he whispered soothingly that he wasn’t alone, even though he was surrounded by a loving support system, Phil felt the loneliest he had ever felt since this was a silent battle to everyone else. Shaking his head back and forth, the man looked up into the worried gaze of the other and grimaced at what had to be confessed “T-They want to get rid of you, but I won’t let them.” 

“Are they telling you to harm me?” Dan asked, feeling more concern over his significant other than for himself since he always flirted with death in his self-deprecating humor, “I’ll call a taxi while you get dressed. We should get you to the clinic as soon as possible.”  
   
Half an hour later, Phillip was dressed in his white jumper covered in foxes and the same pair of skinny jeans from the previous day before he was led down several flights of stairs at their flat to greet their driver and slide into the back seat, Dan giving out their destination immediately as he pulled the older boy close despite having the stranger ask them a few questions along the way. Occupied by the soft, affectionate coos whispered into the shell of his ear, the older one did not notice that the rented vehicle had paralleled parked next to a small clinic, thanking their chauffer as he was paid for the trip. Bidding their farewells, the two walked inside to sit in the chilly waiting room as the new patient medical forms were filled out and handed back to the receptionist while waiting for someone to call them back into an office.

“Phil Lester?” an older woman called out, her brunette hair pulled back into a tight bun away from her softly wrinkled face.

“Come on, lovely, let’s go.” Dan encouraged, offering his arm out for added stability as they followed her down a tiled corridor until they reached a room nestled in the middle of two others that were already occupied by clients, the couple sitting together on a loveseat as they prepared for the serious conversation at hand.

“I hope it’s alright that I brought my boyfriend white me, I couldn’t have done this without him.” 

“It’s fine with me, there’s nothing I enjoy more than a patient’s loved ones helping them through their struggles,” the psychiatrist remarked, the bronze name tag on her suit jacket labeling her as Bethany, “What brings you in today?”

“It’s, uh, sort of complicated…”

“Well, we have an hour if you’d like to elaborate a little.”

A long moment of silence hung in the air as an amount of courage was gathered, cheeks burning hotly as he felt both pairs of eyes burn into him even while he began to speak, “I’ve been hearing voices without proper treatment for thirteen years. They never bothered me until recently; I can’t focus on creative ideas for work and I haven’t been able to be intimate with Dan because they won’t leave me alone.” 

“Do you feel like you’re a danger to yourself?”

“To myself, yes. I was going to overdose on painkillers,” Phil began to explain, cringing at hearing a soft gasp to his right since he had kept the details a secret, “Luckily I had my partner to stop me from going through with something so reckless.”

“Are you a danger to others?”

“I wish I knew for certain, but I’m not sure. I would never hurt this man, but earlier today the voices I have, all four of them, were conversing with each other that he needed to be disposed.” 

“Dan, do you think that your boyfriend would intentionally hurt you?” 

“No, I trust him,” the younger boy stated without hesitation, his thumb stroking over the back of Phil’s palm to keep him calm, “Even when he confessed that these people want me dead, I don’t believe would ever want, or try, to hurt me.”

“How long have you known that your partner had a mental problem?”

“Two days. He’s dealt with this for far too long, so I didn’t want to jeopardize his health any longer.”

Scrawling notes down onto a pad of paper, Bethany looked them over a few times and adjusted a pair of black rimmed readers before glancing back up at the pair of men, “Are you depressed? And if so, would you object to starting medicine to help it along with your other problem?” 

“I have been for quite some time, and no, but I want to focus on whatever this is first.”

“Right, there is just one more questions I have and then we can start to get a diagnosis,” the therapist replied as she flipped over to a clean sheet of paper, “Do you have any irregular behavior emotionally?” 

“I’ve always been excited for no apparent reason, I just thought it was a part of my personality.” 

“I’m going to consult with a coworker, I always like to get a second opinion. If you’ll excuse me, I shouldn’t be long.” 

The two nodded and did as they were instructed, Phil leaning into a one armed hug as a small sense of panic started to flood the older one’s system once the overwhelming interrogation ended, but was easily calmed with the promise of a day filled with pizza and lazy cuddles when they returned to the apartment. 

“Atta boy, that’s my Philly.”

“You always know just how to cheer me up,” he mused, voice quieter than usual as if he was afraid to be overheard. “Do you think we could have some Ribena and finish the leftover donuts?” 

“Of course, baby, whatever you want.” Dan reassured tenderly, resting his forehead against the other as they were joined once more by therapist who looked more stoic than she had earlier.

“Mr. Lester, we consulted over your results, and we discussed that it would be best to start you on medication. I’ve written you two different prescriptions, one for five milligrams of Prolixin for the schizophrenic tendencies and twenty milligrams of Prozac to treat your depression.”

“Thank you, ma’am, we appreciate your help.” 

“My pleasure. If either of you have any questions or concerns, feel free to give us a ring.” 

“We’ll be sure to,” Daniel confirmed as he escorted the other outside in a similar fashion after scheduling a follow up appointment and waiting for their Uber driver to return, “Do you feel better now that you’ve gotten a bit of closure?” 

“Sort of… “

“Either way, I’m proud of you. You wanted an answer and you got it.” 

“And as a result, you get a defective boyfriend.”

“I’d rather have you with flaws and everything than not at all. I love you, and I’m going to prove it to you when we get home.”

Curiosity peaked, Phil raised an eyebrow in confusion before he was met with a calmingly innocent smile that calmed suspicions of sex being on the table; he hated to keep his significant other waiting, but performing did not seem possible for at least a few more days. Climbing back into the cab, the two took a quick trip down to the pharmacy before deciding to call it a day where Dan heated up the oven and slid a frozen pizza inside before returning with two glasses filled with the darkened drink they both enjoyed, watching as Phil uncapped both pill bottles and chased them down with a swig of the soda. 

“How does it feel to be on the road to recovery?” 

“Not to be cheesy, but it actually feels amazing! Might be wishful thinking, but I feel like they’re already starting to kick in, I feel a bit woozy though.”

“That’s the placebo effect for you.”

“You’re such an ass…”

“Yes, but you love me anyway.”

“Of course I do, you nutter,” Phil chuckled softly, beaming up at his partner like he hadn’t done in ages, “I guess we both are, huh?”

“I was bound to rub off on you eventually, I guess it finally did.” 

Excusing himself, the younger one went to turn off the kitchen appliance and put their dinner onto a baking stone as he grabbed a knife from the drawer that he had locked to divide the pizza into eighths. Bringing the plates into bed, Dan nuzzled closely to the thinner body already curled comfortably under a quilt and swatted his hand away playfully from the white box, “No sir, not until you’ve eaten all your food.”

“Alright then, mum,” Phil teased back as he took a timid bite out of the thin crusted slice of cheese and pepperoni before his appetite awoke with a vengeance as he hastily downed the rest of the three pieces, “I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”

“Better late than never, I was worried you’d only eat one like you did during breakfast.” 

“That was my original plan, but then I realized that you’d probably make me have more.”

“No doubt about it.”

“So,” he tried to transition to the topic that had unnerved him since leaving the clinic, “What’s this surprise that you’ve prepared for me? Don’t think I’ve forgotten, mister!”

“I’ll, uh, need you to close your eyes first. Don’t open them until I tell you, alright?”

“Whatever you say.”

Dan’s heart began to hammer heavily in his chest as he dug through the contents of their side table drawer to locate the velvet black box, opening the lid to reveal a light silver band inlaid with small sapphires around the entire outer rim. Evening out his breathing, he twined their fingers together before letting out a small sigh to signal that he was capable of asking the ultimate question, “Okay, you can open them.” 

“Dan, what-“ he started to ask when he caught sight of the glittering stones, gasping as tears began to build along the brims of his eyes, “This is what you meant?”

“Phil, seven and a half years ago we met and it was the best day of my life, but it will be the second most important if you’ll marry me.” 

“Oh my gosh… Of course I will! Put it on me, please?” 

Without missing a beat, the young man removed the ring delicately from its plush casing and slid it into place without breaking eye contact with his newly made fiancé, leaning forward to kiss at damp eyelashes as blinked away tears that pricked at his own, “I think Howell will suit you better.”

“You had to go and spoil the moment, typical Dan,” the older one joked with a gentle elbow jab, “We can discuss those details later, I want my future husband to come cuddle me like he promised.”

“Come here, handsome.” 

Unable to resist, Phil fell into his arms as he melted into the warmth between their bodies without hesitation. For once he did not feel quite as alone since it had been proven that he would always have a loyal companion by his side who wouldn’t judge the stability of an overstimulated mind, doubts completely erased especially when slender arms wrapped protectively around his middle to pull him closer. Safety was guaranteed in that embrace, without a doubt, for he had received nothing but provide comfort even when it wasn’t deserved, and for the rest of their lives together Phil would stop at nothing to make sure the favor was fully returned even if it seemed impossible.


End file.
